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| This post was written as part of Mama Kat’s Writing Prompts. If you wish to read more posts or participate in next week’s prompts, click the logo above. |
I’m a little late getting this post out there, but I needed to get permission to write about this topic before posting and because it’s hard to see the computer when you’re crying.
It was January 15, 2005 and we enjoyed a wonderful dinner with our friends Kristy and Ryan and their seventh month old baby boy, Andy, at Texas Roadhouse for some good food and fellowship. I remember being so excited to hold the baby because I was head-over-heels in love with the idea of being pregnant and having one of my own soon. We weren’t trying yet, but I was already off birth control in preparation for it. I remember kissing his cute, soft cheeks and that fresh baby smell. Everyone kept asking if I wanted to set him down or someone else to hold him and I simply replied “nope, I’m good!” The evening was absolutely divine for me.
They were flying out on Thursday that same week to visit Kristy’s brother in Florida for a short family vacation and so he could meet Andy for the first time. They were traveling with her mom and sister so it was going to be a family reunion of sorts and everyone was looking forward to it.
On Friday afternoon I was sitting at my desk working on a project that was driving me nuts. I saw my husband’s number come up on the caller ID and debated on whether I had time to answer, but did only because it was him and it was earlier than he usually called me. He was quiet. Not normal for either of us. And then he said words that would change my outlook on life forever..
“Kristy was in an accident….Andy didn’t make it.” I’m shaking as I type this now because I can instantly go back to that moment as if it was yesterday. I remember thinking I was going to puke at my desk. I remember thinking I don’t know how I’m still sitting here. I remember my mind going in circles and then numb…I remember my heart hurting, aching, searching for answers.
I have never asked Kristy to confirm the details of the accident I received simply because of the pain it would cause to discuss it, and she has said before that she doesn’t remember much of that day, and I would never want her to try to remember for me. So I will give you what I know and ask for her forgiveness if there is anything not entirely correct.
They had arrived at the airport and her brother was there to meet them. Ryan chose to drive the van they had rented and Kristy, her mom, her sister and Andy rode with her brother back to his home. On the way there, with Ryan following not far behind, the expressway came to a stop. A older man, who had been drinking, didn’t. He ran into them at almost 55 mph. Kristy and her mom suffered several injuries, including broken pelvis’. Andy died instantly.
I can not imagine that day. The horror. The sounds. The silence. The sight of her baby boy lying there, helpless. I pray it was as instant as the cops reported. I truly hope that she never regains visions of those moments. I remember Kristy telling me that when she was in the hospital she kept asking to see him and they wouldn’t let her. They knew she wasn’t ready to know…that her baby was gone.
It took some time for them to come home from Florida. I went to the showing and remember seeing all the pictures of him. His beautiful smile. I remember they had “You Raise Me Up” by Josh Groban playing. I remember seeing her in that wheelchair. Her face…so empty, so withdrawn, so lifeless. She tried to smile at everyone that came in and appear collected. She was so strong. I would never be that strong. I’m certain I would have asked them to put me in the casket with him and bury me alive if they had to…because I was dead inside. I didn’t go to the funeral. I simply couldn’t.
For months, I would cry at any time during the day that I thought of them. Every night I weeped…no I sobbed over him and for them. I remember thinking that I should have held him longer. That I could still smell him. I could still feel his cheeks. I had nightmares of what it would be like seeing him lie there. And then I would think if it’s like this for me….how much worse for them. I wanted so badly to ask her – How do you go home? How do you walk by his bedroom? His clothes? His pictures? How do you not wake up in the middle of the night thinking you hear him breathing or moving and he’s not there? How do you live?? But of course, I wouldn’t dare ask those things. I’m not sure she would have had an answer at the time anyways.
I became pregnant in August of that year. I remember hesitating to tell her because it might feel awkward. And even though I still thought of them often and cried every time I did, being pregnant only made the trauma that much more real to me. Every time I had to slam on the brakes, I would think of that day. And weep. A popular song at that time was Kenny Chesney’s “Where Would You Be Today”. If you’ve never heard it, read the lyrics. If you have children, it will put chills down your spine. It would bring me to my knees when I heard it…still does if I don’t change the channel.
Ethan was born in May 2006. I was terrified to drive with him in the car. TERRIFIED to go on the expressway. I became obsessed with his safety. I was paranoid of car accidents. My friend had watched Ethan in our home when I returned to work. She had children of her own and was used to taking them on errands. She would leave almost daily with Ethan to do the same. For anyone else, this probably doesn’t seem like a big deal. I would almost hyperventilate at the thought of her driving him around for no-good-reason. I couldn’t imagine what I would do knowing he died being on the road for something he didn’t need to be there for. I eventually put him in daycare so that I always knew where he was. It was the only way I could go to work everyday.
I cried often when I was holding Ethan because I would think of their family. I would think how much Ethan was a part of me and I couldn’t imagine losing him. Ever. The thought of his death consumed me, until it overwhelmed me. I began asking God for peace to help me not live in fear. After all, if she could pull through, why couldn’t I?
Flash forward to 2009. Ethan was a colicky, acid-refluxy, gaggy baby who to this day still pukes at the drop of a hat. I said from day one that I was fine with one child. That I never wanted to go through this again. I thought it would be nice to buy him nicer stuff because I only had to pay for one. I thought it would be easier to help with college. I liked having one.
Now, my darkest secret. You know why I chose to have another baby? Not because I wanted to be pregnant again. Not because I was ready to handle two. Not because I thought it would be “fun”. It was because ‘what if’? What if, for some reason, I should ever lose Ethan. I know you shouldn’t live life like that, paranoid. But, I do. I don’t think I could survive. As much as I love my husband, it’s nothing like the love you have for your child. I knew the only way I would make it was if I had another child to help me get through it, to give me a reason to live for. And that, along with Ethan begging for a sibling everyday, was the reason I chose to get pregnant again.
My youngest is now 7 months old. The same age as Andy when he died. I can not for one single moment, imagine my life without him. He has become so deeply woven into my heart and he has so much of it in his hands, that the thought of losing him at this age nauseates me.
So, if you have babies, go hold them. Tight. Smell them, and listen to them breathe. Remember when your toddler is asking you to come back to his room for the 100th time for a drink of water or to sing them another song – don’t get upset, sing it and kiss them goodnight…again. Tell your children that you love them everyday multiple times. I realize we shouldn’t live life paranoid, and we shouldn’t live in fear. I understand that God can give us peace so that we do not have to live that way. And me and God are working on that in my life. But what I want you to remember today is that you never know what the day will hold. Once that special person is gone in your life, they are gone and you will never get those moments you had before back.
Kristy – you inspire me. You are so strong and such a wonderful, sweet, loving person and friend who will always give more than you ask for. I am in awe of you and your continued Faith. I know you will be blessed because of the people’s lives you have touched, including my own.
Live life to its fullest. Enjoy the Small Things. Love on your littles lots. Cause at the end of the day that’s what matters most in life.
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| In Loving Memory of Andrew Christopher June 22, 2004 – January 21, 2005 |
Wow, I am in tears. I think that is what we all fear the most, losing our babies, losing our children.
Thank you for sharing. Your friend is amazing. Kristy, thank you for allowing your friend to share your story. You obviously have a very generous spirit.
Darn it all! I didn't listen and get the Klenex box first! And you are right, it IS hard to type through tears.
This November it will be nine years since we buried our little Princess, Samantha Marie. As a parent of a deceased child, I want to thank you for this lovely tribute to Andrew, Kristy and their family. If I lived closer, I'd be knocking down your door to give you a BIG hug!
I too had the same reason as you did for having two more children after Samantha passed away. I don't know that I could live through that again – and trust me, we came extremely close with our 6 year old Buddy.
A while ago I stumbled on the following poem that I now share with EVERY person who asks me about my daughter. I'd like to share it with you now:
The mention of my child's name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring
Music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the beautiful music of her name.
It soothes my broken heart
And sings to my soul.
- Author Unknown
Again, THANK YOU for sharing your loving, touching and very moving story. I'm gonna go hug and kiss my 4 year old now and the 6 year old when i pick him up from school!
Peace & love,
Phyllis
Jess, this story is touching in the deepest of ways. I think any mom cam relate to you in this and I can't imagine the pain of that kind of loss, after knowing your babe for seven months! I could hardly finish reading through the tears. Thank you for sharing, and for the inspiration I needed today!
I'm happy you could share our story with others Jess. You wrote a beautiful blog & tribute to Andy…I hope that everyone realizes how truly miraculous and precious each of their children are!
Thank you for the beautiful, touching story. 11 years ago I lost my daughter. I later was told I would not be able to have any more children. Surprisingly at the age of 37 I got pregnant with my second daughter. Like you said, I was content with one, but in the back of my mind, there is always that "what if". Earlier this year I gave birth to a perfect little boy. I will never get over losing my first daughter, and I will never take motherhood or my children for granted. Hugs, Nicole.
The story you just told made my heart ache so much for the parents of this dear sweet boy. Ever since my daughter was born I have had panic attacks too, about the safety and well-being of our family. To have this nightmare become reality to Kristy and Ryan is unimaginable and so deeply saddening. :(
I have to go and hold my daughter again now. Thanks for the reminder that our time here on earth is fleeting and that we have to let our loved ones know just how much important and loved they are.
This was such a moving post for me to read. I did not plan my second pregnancy and it could not have come at a worse time for me. Throughout the pregnancy I wished for a miscarriage, for the pregnancy to have never happened. I was so angry at myself for putting myself in that position. Then I met my baby and my world changed. I am so grateful for my two healthy girls. I cannot imagine ever going through the pain of loosing one of them. I am ashamed that I ever thought I didn't want my pregnancy to be successful. Thank you for reminding me what a gift it is to be a mother and how precious our children are.
What beautiful baby Andy was and what a heartbreaking story. It proves that when you are loved, you live on forever in the hearts of those who loved you.
Thank you for sharing.
Your post has moved me beyond words. I remember the neurosis I suffered when my daughter was born and am praying for another child now.
Thank you for writing this brave post.
I am literally in tears. I cannot imagine the pain and emptiness for all involved.
Thank you for sharing. It was beautifully written.
This is a beautiful post and a lovely tribute to Andy and his family. Thank you for writing it and sharing your feelings.
I am your newest follower. :)
I can not imagine the grief of losing a child.
I now need to go and hug my children.
I am speechless.
This is breaking my heart. I feel so for your friend. I watched my cousin and her husband go through losing their only child at 10 months of age. I will never forget everything about the moment when my mom called me and told me the horrible news. I had just had my first child 2 weeks earlier, and I felt so bad, I was afraid seeing him would make it harder for her. I remember her coming over and holding my baby and just rocking back and forth rubbing his little head. I can't even begin to describe what we all witnessed at the burial. It haunts me to this day. I've had so many irrational fears surrounding my kids after witnessing what they went through, and still go through. It changed me forever, but how could it not? Thank you for the reminder that we should never take our children for granted. I'm going to go cuddle with mine now.
I am always in awe of parents who survive the loss of a child. I completely understand your reaction. You did a great job writing about a very difficult subject.
I am in tears. It is so difficult to survive the loss of a child. I am thankful every day for the one daughter and have. I hope your friend is brave enough and blessed to have more children.
So beautiful. This week our family said goodbye to a foster baby that we had with us for four months. We were the ones who brought her home from the hospital when she was born. Losing her feels a lot like a death, and I know too well how precious each moment is with the children in our lives. Bless you for writing.
I never imagined just how deeply a mother could love her child until first holding our baby girl. Never thought such a bright and tiny smile would grab hold of my heart the way it has. Thank you so much for the reminder to cherish her each and every day. I couldn’t imagine life without her now… and will never forget Kristy’s story. Sending you both lots of love….
I’m in tears! I can’t imagine losing one of my children so quickly and while they are so young.
Sending you hugs!
Wow…that was touching. Great job writing this and hugs to Andy’s sweet family. They have a little angel in heaven!!!
omigoodness. I am a complete puddle over here. U spoke truly from the heart and with my toddler and my baby of 8 months, I know exactly how u feel. exactly. I can’t imagine the strength ur friend has had to move forward in life and accept this fate and I can’t understand why these things happen, to innocent children. It puts so much into perspective and is a constant lesson, on so many levels. Thank u for sharing. I am ur newest follower lady.
This is so sad…and so not meant to be. I am a Christian woman that believes with every fiber of my being that the prophecys in the Bible will come true and one day that little baby Andrew will get to see his parents again. Without a doubt in my mind. In the meantime, all we can do is stay close to one another and cherish every day that is a gift.
My best, Lynn
I should have known better than to read this pregnant. I am so deeply sorry for your friend’s loss and for how it touched your life so much.
Everytime I hear that Kenny Chesney song I think of my sister. She died in 1986. I was 5. She was 18. Newly married. No kids. She wanted them. If my baby is a girl she will be named in honor of that sister.
Sorry. I shouldn’t be taking away from your post but I’m crying and thinking about it.
[...] I just finished crying because of this post. [...]
what a horrible tragedy. after I was done having kids (I have 2), I chose non permanant birth control…just in case I ever “needed” to become pregnant again. I made that decision after the Oklahoma City bombing when there were parents who lost all of their children that day…..
Wow…I’ve got tears in my eyes. I can’t even imagine. I can relate to you on many of the issues you brought up with regard to Ethan’s safety…and I don’t have the experience you went through with Andy to explain it. I just worry- a lot. And, I think I can relate to some of those feelings about having a second…
The whole in your heart would be so great if you went from having it all to having nothing. With two, I’d imagine, there would still be so much to fill the void…the void would just be bigger, too.
So much to think about. (((HUGS)))